Here are my Annual Oscar Ceremony Predictions for 2004:

You will once again be confronted with your own mortality when you notice that the face of one of your child-hood favorites, whose once chiseled features graced the stage or screen, has started to age at a superhuman rate.

  • A Previous Winner in this Category: Peter Gabriel
  • This Year’s Projected Winner: Harrison Ford

An actress will present an award in a dress so horrific, the E! Entertainment channel will immediately begin pre-production on a half-hour show dedicated exclusively to the lapses of judgment leading up to the selection of said dress.

An award winner will make inappropriate remarks that will leave the telecast director unable to cut to an audience member that doesn’t have a stupefied, bored, or angry look on their face.

  • A Previous Winner in this Category: (And Hall of Fame Nominee in this category) Michael Moore
  • This Year’s Projected Winner: Sean Penn

A truly grateful award winner will ingratiate themselves to the country with a sincere, excited, down-to-earth acceptance speech then parlay that newfound success and goodwill into a terrifying downward career spiral.

  • Previous Winners in this Category: Gwyneth Paltrow and Cuba Gooding Jr.
  • This Year’s Projected Winner: Charlize Theron

A current ‘It’ Hollywood celebrity gives a ‘I’d rather be at the Viper Room with 2 strippers than here with you stiffs’ performance as a presenter.

  • Previous Winners in this Category: Colin Farrell
  • This Year’s Projected Winner: Colin Farrell

A dead celebrity wins the ‘I got the most awkward applause during the In Memoriam retrospective.’

  • Last Year’s Winner: Milton Berle
  • This Year’s Projected Winner: Gregory Peck

A current comedic actor tries to get laughs during his presenter shtick and fails miserably with the industry-stacked audience. Four months later, the same schpeel kills at the MTV Movie Awards.

  • Previous Winners in this Category: Jim Carrey, Mike Meyers
  • This Year’s Projected Winner: Jack Black

And the final prediction:

  • Not a single person will tell Jack Nicholson that the ‘smug jackass’ look (with the sunglasses in a darkened theater) is now starting to come off as the ‘creepy elderly neighbor who has to wear wrap-arounds because of his cataracts’ look.
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Many people have tried to accurately capture the essence that is Brian, but this much is known to be true: he has dutifully paid the hosting bill for Ranzino.com since 2001.

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