Here are my Annual Oscar Ceremony Predictions for 2004:
You will once again be confronted with your own mortality when you notice that the face of one of your child-hood favorites, whose once chiseled features graced the stage or screen, has started to age at a superhuman rate.
- A Previous Winner in this Category: Peter Gabriel
- This Year’s Projected Winner: Harrison Ford
An actress will present an award in a dress so horrific, the E! Entertainment channel will immediately begin pre-production on a half-hour show dedicated exclusively to the lapses of judgment leading up to the selection of said dress.
- Previous Winners in this Category: Cameron Diaz for her ‘Elvira/Hooker’ look, and Gwyneth Paltrow for her ‘Paris Hilton goes Goth’ look
- This Year’s Projected Winner: Holly Hunter (In that ‘I don’t give a f*** what you think’ stage of her career)
An award winner will make inappropriate remarks that will leave the telecast director unable to cut to an audience member that doesn’t have a stupefied, bored, or angry look on their face.
- A Previous Winner in this Category: (And Hall of Fame Nominee in this category) Michael Moore
- This Year’s Projected Winner: Sean Penn
A truly grateful award winner will ingratiate themselves to the country with a sincere, excited, down-to-earth acceptance speech then parlay that newfound success and goodwill into a terrifying downward career spiral.
- Previous Winners in this Category: Gwyneth Paltrow and Cuba Gooding Jr.
- This Year’s Projected Winner: Charlize Theron
A current ‘It’ Hollywood celebrity gives a ‘I’d rather be at the Viper Room with 2 strippers than here with you stiffs’ performance as a presenter.
- Previous Winners in this Category: Colin Farrell
- This Year’s Projected Winner: Colin Farrell
A dead celebrity wins the ‘I got the most awkward applause during the In Memoriam retrospective.’
- Last Year’s Winner: Milton Berle
- This Year’s Projected Winner: Gregory Peck
A current comedic actor tries to get laughs during his presenter shtick and fails miserably with the industry-stacked audience. Four months later, the same schpeel kills at the MTV Movie Awards.
- Previous Winners in this Category: Jim Carrey, Mike Meyers
- This Year’s Projected Winner: Jack Black
And the final prediction:
- Not a single person will tell Jack Nicholson that the ‘smug jackass’ look (with the sunglasses in a darkened theater) is now starting to come off as the ‘creepy elderly neighbor who has to wear wrap-arounds because of his cataracts’ look.