Apparently, the daunting tasks of reducing the deficit, creating new jobs for Americans, and keeping our nation safe are not sufficient to keep our highly paid elected officials busy. Federal politicians are taking brave steps toward striking down one of the most terrifying crises to ever shake our nation: the saucing-up of professional baseball players. I don’t know about you, but I for one think my tax dollars would be better spent having John McCain studying a graph on budgetary waste than one showing the marked increase in the size of Barry Bonds’ noggin.

Since we all know that once Washington gets its hands dirty with something, there’s no turning back, I’m offering up some legislation they could look into instead. Then Congress could really improve something, besides the attractiveness of their intern pool, for a change.

Major League Baseball

The Speed/Anti-Adjusting Act of 2004
The biggest problem facing baseball is that it’s BORING. The reason it is so yawn-inducing is that it takes so long for anything to happen in between pitches. It’s like waiting for the new season of the Soprano’s to begin, you don’t know when it’s coming and the anticipation is worse than hearing Carrie talk about Jimmy Chu’s week after week. Baseball gets a pitch clock, period. Also, any batter caught fidgeting, stepping out of the batter’s box, or…ahem….adjusting himself is awarded one strike. I swear to god these guys are ‘fixing’ themselves every 10 seconds. If the uniform’s that uncomfortable, go see a good tailor for Pete’s sake! If that’s not the problem, I have three words for you, Gold Bond Powder. Look into it.

National Hockey League

The ‘Only in America’ Clause
Change the league’s name to World Ice Boxing Federation (WIBF.) Get Don King involved immediately. Within thirty days you’ll have Ben Affleck, Puff Daddy and at least one of the Baldwin brothers rink side every night with showgirls in tow.

National Basketball Association

The Bubba-Chuck Initiative
Limit each player to one tattoo and one arrest per month. Any player with a tattoo or arrest above and beyond the pre-determined limit will be forced to watch Kazaam! or, alternatively, debate Allen Iverson on the merits of practice on national television. Also, every player will be required to watch Hoosiers, at least once a week.

National Football League

Why mess with perfection?

Soccer

The ‘We Don’t Want Posh Spice Moving Here’ Bill
Let’s cut our losses here. Soccer is now banned in the United States. Soccer Moms will now officially be referred to as Intramural Basketball League Moms, or IBL’s. In fact, since we’re the only ones who call it soccer, the word will be officially stricken from the English language.

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Many people have tried to accurately capture the essence that is Brian, but this much is known to be true: he has dutifully paid the hosting bill for Ranzino.com since 2001.

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