Old Spice released its annual list of the 100 Sweatiest Summertime Cities today. As it turns out, every place I’ve ever lived in, or around, is represented on the list.

#50 Philadelphia, PA
#52 Harrisburg, PA
#81 Hartford, CT (I can’t wait for July!)
#84 Wilkes Barre/Scranton, PA
#86 Syracuse, NY

All this time, I thought it was just me.

The sweat-inhibitors at Old Spice go on to say that residents in the sweatiest city, Phoenix, lose up to about a liter of fluid daily in the dog days.

First of all, this is America. Enough with the liters already. I know you’re trying to be all scientific, but it’s not working. Unfortunately, the only reason Americans might come close to imagining what a liter looks like is because we consume obscene amounts of soda in 2 liter bottles.

In fact, I bet if I were to take a quick straw poll among your average citizenry, they probably think ‘tooleeter’ is the brand name of the container, and has absolutely nothing to do with measurement at all.

According to Dr. Tim Long, Old Spice’s Sweat Expert, “Old Spice has been saluting active guys, while helping them stay dry and odor-free in the sweatiest of places.” Sure that’s easy for Dr. Long to say, holed up in Old Spice’s hermetically-sealed laboratories, far, far, away from any of the aforementioned metro-stinkiness.

Wait a second… Sweat Expert? That’s quite the resume builder! Probably not what Tim had in mind after 8 years and 80 thousand bucks down the tube on his Physiology Ph.D.

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Many people have tried to accurately capture the essence that is Brian, but this much is known to be true: he has dutifully paid the hosting bill for Ranzino.com since 2001.

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