In a recent column recapping baseball’s All-Star Weekend, Bill Simmons, AKA The Sports Guy, commented on the need to get rid of the corporate kiddies ineffectively shagging dinger-wannabes in the outfield during the home run derby:

“One highlight in Round 1: My realization that they need to dump the little kids in the outfield and replace them with terrified models and actresses. Imagine Gisele Bundschen screaming in horror as a David Ortiz moonshot comes dropping down on her like a grenade?”

I would take that idea one step further.  Have self-righteous celebrities populate the outfield, and for every ball they snare, a thousand bucks will be donated to their favorite pretentious charity.  Wouldn’t it be tremendously entertaining to see Pamela Anderson body-check Whoopi Goldberg thereby ensuring one grand would go to the coffers of PETA instead of the Democratic National Committee?  I could just picture the fist fight erupting between Leonardo DiCaprio (The Natural Resources Defense Council) and Rosie O’Donnell  (Pick one) over a mis-played ball in left-center.

This adjustment might even make the Home Run derby watchable next year.


Many people have tried to accurately capture the essence that is Brian, but this much is known to be true: he has dutifully paid the hosting bill for since 2001.

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