My Boring Fat Greek Olympics

Wow. Was it just me, or were the opening ceremonies of the Olympics incredibly boring? It’s saying a lot when you pine for the aw-shucks showmanship of the Mormons.

Even in spite of their infliction of Nia Vardalos upon us, I thought the Greeks knew a little something more about entertaining than they showed us Friday night. For Pete’s sake, at least give us some cute Greek knee-biters running around with multi-colored flags. Don’t feel you have to bust the budget and go full bore Up With People on us, but at least throw us a bone!

I never thought I’d say this, but even native son and new-age music guru Yanni would have improved the proceedings. The only good thing I can say about the affair is that it was so bad, it actually stupefied the usually overly smug Bob Costas into long periods of blessed silence.

Some Points of Interest:

  1. Okay Greece, I know you probably spent most of your money on new roads and Ak-47’s, but the token symbolic child in the paper-hat boat was wearing painter jeans and a white polo shirt. Honestly, how much more would a nice costume have cost?
  2. Shriners Parade in Scranton, PA – 1 Weird Greek History Parade – 0. What can I say, you have to love elderly men wearing fez hats driving go-carts.
  3. Does is seem like there is growing underlying hostility between Katie Couric and Bob Costas? As if each of them somehow thinks it is beneath their station to be saddled with the other?
  4. Three words can accurately describe the ultimate in uncomfortable TV living room moments. Glowing Pregnant Belly.
  5. Kudos to the Greeks for bringing us the most creative use of a laser-lit DNA strand in opening ceremonies history. Although, I think I saw something similar the last time my local planetarium held a midnight performance of Pink Floyd’s The Wall. I can’t wait for Bejing in 2008 as 8 thousand children covered with body glitter will form the shape of a stem cell.
  6. The best Greek hero you could come up with to light the cauldron is a wind-surfing champion? That’s like if we would have let Tony Hawk light the flame in’96 instead of Muhammad Ali. You guys once had Hercules on your roster sheet and all you could dig up was a wind-surfer? All right, good luck with that then.
  7. The music and fashion stylings of Icelandic (Not Greek, mind you) pop princess Bjork were heavily involved. Enough said.
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Many people have tried to accurately capture the essence that is Brian, but this much is known to be true: he has dutifully paid the hosting bill for Ranzino.com since 2001.

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