I’d like to take a moment to address the nation of Japan.

Uh, hi.

Let me preface this by saying we, as Americans, love your work. The technological innovations you’ve provided over the years have kept scores of us from ever reading, writing, or even communicating in a civil and comprehensible manner, and we’re the richer for it. The mind-numbing ability of the Sony Walkman alone saved a generation of youth from actually having to bond with their families during countless cross-country Griswold-style vacations in the scotch-guarded back seats of their Chevy Celebrity station wagons.

I can personally vouch that your Nintendo Entertainment System practically guaranteed there would be zero chance that I could achieve pre-marital sex, and by extension making me a better, albeit more computer proficient, person. Honestly, your brilliance with inventions puts our nation to shame. But may I suggest a change in your philosophical direction.

You see, when you have so many smart engineers all working on entertainment products, the law of diminishing returns start to kick in. You inevitably start to come up with things like the game where you raise a fish with a human head or more recently, an amplifier that turns ordinary house plants into speakers. Amazing? Yes. Necessary? Not as much as one would initially think.

May I suggest a renewed focus of your pent up brainpower on creating alternative energy sources, or perhaps you could start dabbling in medicine. I keep hearing about these stem cell things. Maybe you could look into that? Regardless, I think we both know it’s time to move on from finding the next great way to have Pokemon beating the crap out of one another.

ranzino

Many people have tried to accurately capture the essence that is Brian, but this much is known to be true: he has dutifully paid the hosting bill for Ranzino.com since 2001.

Your comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *