In case you missed it, January 23 was National Pie Day as declared by the American Pie Council. The APC describes itself as an organization:
“committed to preserving America’s pie heritage and promoting American’s love affair with pies.”
The APC mission statement goes on to describe their goal to,“raise awareness, enjoyment and consumption of pies.”
I for one, didn’t know the continued existence of pies was in such serious jeopardy. I just assumed by all the fat people I see walking around on a daily basis that pie-eating is alive and well.
In light of this disturbing turn of events, I propose a four-pronged attack towards ending pie-endangerment (besides the previously mentioned thoughtful creation of a national observance day.)
- McDonald’s should immediately revive the grand tradition of up-selling their signature pies at all retail locations (e.g. “Would you like a hot apple pie with that, sir?”)
- A marketing campaign will be undertaken to combat the proliferation of the derogatory phrase “Shut your pie-hole.” (Editor’s note: I’m thinking something along the lines of NBC’s “The More You Know” campaign, only with celebrities less annoying than the stars of Will & Grace.)
- All copies of the movie Stand By Me shall be edited to exclude the infamous pie-eating contest sequence.
- Like Aaron Cppeland’s Hoedown in the American Beef Producers’ “It’s What For Dinner” campaigns, produce a commercial spot with a signature musical score. May I humbly suggest the 80’s hair metal classic Cherry Pie by Warrant.