After a weekend’s worth of NCAA basketball as served up by the fine folks over at CBS (“America’s Most Watched Network” – a moniker I thought CBS would ditch after they started attracting more than just a record number of viewers in the “Murder She Wrote” demographic) I’ve come to the conclusion about two things:

1. The network’s promo’ing of its moronically-named TV movie of the week, Spring Break Shark Attack, was so incessant that even straight-laced corporate kiss-ass play by play announcers like Jim Nantz were dogging it. And remember, these are guys that can earnestly repeat sentences such as, “and stay tuned after the game for an all new side-splitting episode of Yes Dear,” without throwing up in their own mouths.

2. Unless you are either:

A. Dick Vitale

or

B. A student, alumnus, faculty, or staff member of Duke University

…it is almost a statistical guarantee that, although you can’t quite put your finger on the exact reason why, you hate the Duke University basketball team and root for them to lose with a white-hot passion that borders on irrational behavior considering the relative unimportance of any singular sporting event.

Did we forget to mention that Spring Break Shark Attack stars the O.C.’s Shannon Lucio? Oh…we did…all right then.

SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK TONIGHT AT 8 EASTERN!

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Many people have tried to accurately capture the essence that is Brian, but this much is known to be true: he has dutifully paid the hosting bill for Ranzino.com since 2001.