The summer movie season is upon us and that means you should get ready for an event even more predictable than Coral bitch-slapping another contestant on the latest installment of the Real World/Road Rules Inferno. Yes that’s right, it’s time for the obligatory 2005 Summer Movie Preview!
Star Wars Episode III – Revenge of the Sith
A Personal Note from George Lucas: “I promise this one won’t suck… no really. Seriously, all that hackneyed dialogue and those wooden acting performances I presided over the past couple of years, all a thing of the past my friend. So come on out and plop down 9 bucks one last time to venture to a galaxy far far away. Did I mention that Chewbacca is back? For a special treat, if you look close enough, you just might catch a glimpse of Harrison Ford*! Oh, and don’t forget to visit your local Toys R’ Us and buy gobs and gobs of Darth Vader merchandise. I almost have enough cash to put my down-payment on Sweden and this sucka’s going to put me over the top!”
* A Note from 20th Century Fox: The view expressed in concern to Harrison Ford’s appearance in Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith is not shared by 20th Century Fox and may be interpreted differently at the discretion of each individual viewer. Oh, and please buy tickets…many many tickets. We need the cash. We’re still in recovery mode after releasing a movie about Garfield last year.
Kicking & Screaming
Having successfully built himself an avid cult following, Will Ferrell is poised to become the next great American comedy genius. So why not choose a soccer movie to further that cause? In the 90’s, the path to superstardom was paved with soccer-movie stepping stones such as Ladybugs (Starring Rodney Dangerfield), The Big Green (Starring Steve Guttenberg), and the cleverly titled Air Bud: World Pup (Starring…that golden retriever from the Air Bud Movies.) If box-office receipts from those movies are any indication, Ferrell will be lining up his own Police Academy franchise in no time!
The Longest Yard
Here’s an Adam Sandler movie drinking game for you. Every time you see an ex-Saturday Night Live alumnus make an appearance, drink once. If the character Allen Covert portrays in the movie gets hit in the groin or has a distracting hair piece/wig on, drink twice. Every time Rob Schneider is on screen portraying an overly ethnic and or slovenly character, leave the theater immediately and proceed to the nearest bar.
Batman is back and he’s even darker this time. How dark exactly? Let’s just say Robin is afraid to go back to the bat-cave ever since the incident with the Batman and his “Jesus Juice.”
War of the Worlds
For the 9th consecutive time, Tom Cruise will appear in a movie that will not require him to smile. Good god man, give the people what they want! Flash those choppers! It’s like keeping Michelangelo’s David covered with a moving blanket. Someone get this man a romantic comedy stat, for this is a crime against humanity. We love the horse teeth! We need the horse teeth! For the love of all that is good and holy, give us the horse teeth!
Herbie: Fully Loaded
A great idea. Especially since the last person to have actually seen an original Herbie movie in the theater died over 15 years ago. As I’ve stated before, if Dean Jones isn’t involved, I’m not coming to the party.
I love all these sitcoms being remade into movies. It just means we’re one step closer to the “Facts of Life” feature film we’ve all been waiting for. Vanessa Redgrave, Mrs. Garrett is calling your name.