2005 Summer Movie Preview Part II: Electric Boogaloo

The tepid follow-up(re: hurried crash-grab) to the critically acclaimed original!

Cinderella Man
A Note from Ron Howard: “Why not just deliver the Oscar to my house right now? I’ve got all the elements the Academy loves: Russell Crowe, pugilists, period costumes. To top it all off, I’m not saying that Russell’s character dies at the end of the movie, but let’s just say that Renée Zellweger gets extra squinty right before the credits roll. Oh, and did you see me on the Happy Days Reunion Special? During a commercial break I made Don Most cry by showing him my check from the merchandising rights on How the Grinch Stole Christmas. That was friggin’ awesome.”

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
The tragic tale of 4 television starlets who come to the realization that their post-network tv career options are whittled down to:

  • Films marketed at 11-year-old girls
  • Playing meaningless arm-candy for Orlando Bloom and or Ashton Kutcher in their latest B-rate action offering
  • Hosting their own weekly segment on Access Hollywood.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Flash-forward to the year 2043. Humans prepare themselves for the anointing of their Earth-King, a super-human offspring of Brad and Angelina whose incomparable abdominal muscles, full pouty lips, and piercing blue-eyes will rule the planet with equal parts box-office appeal and irritating self-important political grandstanding.

The Honeymooners
How many more movies like this does Cedric The Entertainer have to do before he’s legally forced to change his name? Some suggestions when that day inevitably comes to pass:

• Cedric The Amiable Bit Player
• Cedric The Token Portly Best Friend/and or Second Banana
• Cedric The Mildly Amusing
• Cedric Advertise Here
• Cedric The Bud Light Guy
• Cedric “Hey at Least I’m Doing Better Than Steve Harvey”

Fantastic Four
Attention movie producers, here’s a hint for you. If you’re going to cast Jessica Alba, whose main dramatic assets could best be categorized as visual… ahem… in nature, DO NOT under ANY circumstances cast her as the character who can become INVISIBLE. That’s like casting Robin Williams as a mute…no wait, that actually works for me.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
This non-musical remake of the Gene Wilder classic ensures another generation of children will lay awake at night petrified that tiny men, with faces more orange than Julie Bowen’s in that Neutrogena Spray-on-Tan commercial, will be coming to take them away. Oh c’mon, like it was just me who broke into a cold sweat whenever the oompa-loompa refrain started to kick in.

The Wedding Crashers
So you want to make a contemporary Hollywood comedy? First, pick two stars from Column A and mix with a premise from column B and voila, blockbuster in the making my friend!

Column A
Will Ferrell
Ben Stiller
Any Wilson Brother
Vince Vaughn
Any Former A-List Dramatic Actor whose Hey-Day was in the 70’s

Column B
Remake of a Cheesy 70’s TV Show
Hey, Remember College? Wasn’t It Awesome?
Man’s Best Friends’ Lack of Maturity Prevents Him From Finding True Love
Court-Ordered Coaching of Rag-Tag Children’s Sports Team
Obligatory Drew Barrymore Romantic Comedy

The Bad News Bears
Quick, name the movie that’s NOT being remade this summer! If you answered The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension, you’re right (and should probably seriously reconsider any aspirations you might have had about procreation.)

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Please see earlier entry regarding Rob Schneider in movies.

The Pink Panther
Having previously proved he’s not as suave as Spencer Tracy (Father of the Bride), nor as nebbish as Jack Lemmon (The Out-of-Towners), Steve Martin has decided to urinate all over Peter Sellers’ comedic masterpiece, The Pink Panther! Which actor’s legacy will Steve decide to defile next year? Keep your fingers crossed for Tootsie II: What a Drag!

Dukes of Hazzard
Is anybody else a little concerned that Boss Hogg, as played by Burt Reynolds, will not be fat in this movie? Just in case you missed it, the character’s name is Boss HOGG! He owns the Boar’s Nest for crissakes. There’s a whole fat guy theme going on here, just do the math. Skinny guy + white suit + stetson = A little creepy. Fat guy + white suit + stetson = comedy gold.

Doom
A Note from The Rock: “Like me. Please like me. Do you want me to do that eyebrow thing again? I’ll do it again, just for you. Can you just tell me what you want from me? Do you want me to do comedy a la Kindergarten Cop? Something a little more serious perhaps? I’m begging you. I can’t go back to wrestling. Not after having my own trailer and craft services. For the love of God just tell me, please!”