America. I know it’s January. I realize that this is the traditional time for movie studios to dump ill-conceived, horribly-executed vanity projects on an unsuspecting public.

I am well aware that the pickings are slim.

Despite all of this, I am embarrassed for you, the American movie-going public. You chose to elevate Big Mama’s House 2 to the second-largest January opening ever with your hard-earned dollars (Or if you are a registered lobbyist perhaps you may be more familiar with the term “suckah’ payola.”)

To help you prevent further lapses in judgment should there be a Big Mama’s House 3 (and with your resounding financial “thumbs up,” why shouldn’t there be?) I’ve prepared a list of activities you could….. nay should participate in instead of taking in the latest Martin Lawrence fat-suit flick.

  1. If you really feel the need to laugh at a fat person, just listen to Rush Limbaugh.
  2. Take a day trip to visit beautiful Scranton, PA. The real-life location of the fictional Dunder-Mifflin Paper company depicted on the American version of The Office. Scranton- It’s Coal-tastic!
  3. Finally give in and let little Johnny eat those Corn Flakes. Just like you always promised you would.
  4. Give your actual Grandma some bunion relief. It’s footrub time!
  5. Inhale oxygen slowly. Exhale carbon dioxide. Repeat several thousand times.
  6. Did somebody say Sodoku? Oh wait… you didn’t… sorry about that.
  7. Stop the madness and get the David Lee Roth and Eddie Van Halen to kiss and make up already.
  8. Picket against Brokeback Mountain at your local cineplex. Not because of its controversial romance, but because it’s succeeding in legitimizing the acting career of a principle cast member of Dawson’s Creek.
  9. Mourn the twin loss of the UPN and WB. Ironically of course.
  10. Perform dramatic readings of selected Martin episodes featuring Sheneneh.
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Many people have tried to accurately capture the essence that is Brian, but this much is known to be true: he has dutifully paid the hosting bill for Ranzino.com since 2001.

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