20 Notes from the Super Bowl

Just a few notes concerning the pinnacle sporting event on the American landscape.

  1. Aaron Neville sings the national anthem and is large enough himself to amazingly resist Aretha Franklin’s natural gravitational pull.
  2. I don’t know about you, but for me, nothing kicks off 3 hours of testosterone-fueled gridiron action better than washed-up action star Harrison Ford reading Dr. Seuss’s “Oh the Places You Will Go!” Instead of chest bumping and giving high-fives to my beer buddies, I felt like I should go upstairs and wake my son so I could give him a hug. While normally that’s a good feeling, it’s not an ideal way to get fired up for the Super Bowl.
  3. Even my wife knows the extent of the amount of irrational gambling that occurs around the Super Bowl. In reference to the coin toss, she remarked “People are about to lose a lot money on this aren’t they?” Yes honey, yes they are. God bless America.
  4. During said coin toss, Pittsburgh Linebacker Joey Porter looks like he’s going to cross the NFL logo and rip out Seattle QB Matt Hasselback’s jugular. Meanwhile Hasselback has the look of a guy who is waiting for the chicks to arrive at the Friday night kegger at Sigma Pi. Edge, Steelers.
  5. In the battle for the Craig Sager Award for Most Distracting Outift by a Sideline Reporter, Suzy Kolber’s Willy Wonka purple pants suit (Gene Wilder version) handily defeats Michelle Tafoya’s crushed brown jacket with Felicity Shagwell disco necklace.
  6. Blockbuster Video is first out of the commericals gate. They’re going on the offensive with online rentals in an attempt to catch up to Netflix. I was in a Blockbuster recently and it felt like I was walking into an 8-Track museum.
  7. Note to Lynn Swann. Now that you’re running for public office, avoid making any gestures even vaguely reminiscent of Richard Nixon.
  8. The Whopperettes were a huge waste of Burger King’s advertising resources. You would have been better off rolling out Hootie again. The end of the spot was mildly redeeming. Having attractive girls dressed up like all-beef meat patties flopping on to one another is a touch of genius.
  9. Bill Cowher absolutely rocks the mock turtleneck.
  10. Just out of curiosity, do you know anyone that drinks Bud Light? Honestly? I realize there must be a large portion of the population that drinks Budweiser beer, but do you personally know any single one of them?
  11. Jim/BenIt occurs to me that the more hair Ben Roethlisberger grows, the more he starts to resemble Jim from NBC’s The Office.
  12. John Madden just mentioned the Steelers defense was going to a dime package. Excellent insight was in not for the fact that the Steelers were currently playing offense.
  13. Jay Mohr is playing an agent in the Diet Pepsi commercial. That would have been relevant had this been Super Bowl XXXI, the year Jerry Maguire actually came out. Seriously, do ad agencies get paid for this kind of work?
  14. Why is it that professional sports are the only occupations that use personal names as adjectives, as in “That Chris Gardocki punt netted 47 yards,” or “Hines Ward just scored on a Ben Roethlisberger pass,”? I want to start using this type of recognition in my workplace. “We were deep in the hole in third fiscal quarter, but that Brian Evans spreadsheet improved productivity by 67 percent.”
  15. In the Cadillac Escalade commercial, there was small clarifying text stating the the vehicle shown was the 2007 model. The 2007 model? It’s February 2006 for crissakes!
  16. I have a hard time believing Tony Hawk, Sugar Ray Leonard, or Shaquille O’Neal really watch Desperate Housewives.
  17. It’s just physically satisfying to say Chris Gardocki isn’t it? Let’s say it together shall we. Chris Gardocki, Chris Gardocki, Chris Gardocki. See it just rolls off your tounge.
  18. I love that Kelsey Grammer does the voice-overs for Disneyland’s 50th anniversary commercials. Only in America can you marry strippers, abuse drug and alcohol and still be welcome to work for the happiest place on earth just because you have a silky smooth speaking voice.
  19. Not only does Mike Holmgren physically resemble Eagles head coach Andy Reid, use his patented hide-your-mouth-behind-your-playcall-sheet technique, he also apparently went to Andy’s off-season seminar: Super Bowl Time Management and You.
  20. I’m supposed to believe that the people jumping up and down in the mosh pit in the “tongue” portion of the Rolling Stones logo/stage are authentic rock music fans? They all look like 14 year-old kids bused in from the local Promise Keepers convention who were told they were at a Michael W. Smith concert. And to be perfectly honest, there hasn’t been that much movement in the stands at a Stones concert since they sold bran-flavored nachos at Wembley Stadium in ’94.
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Many people have tried to accurately capture the essence that is Brian, but this much is known to be true: he has dutifully paid the hosting bill for Ranzino.com since 2001.

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