SkiingThe Winter Olympics are here and apparently, Americans would rather watch Paula Abdul attempt to cry for Dr. Phil through her Botox-sealed tear ducts. I can’t say that I blame them. I’ve always had a term for individuals who feel ‘the need for speed’ on ice and snow: The Mentally Disabled. Plus, who doesn’t like a healthy dose of tough Texan psychiatry?

Seeing as there is a large portion of the populace who snap up weekend ski passes and routinely engender knee surgery by snowboarding, I concede that I may be not be in the loop in regards to my distaste for winter sports.So what’s the problem? If we participate in the sports, why don’t we care about the 20th Winter Olympiad?

This Olympic malaise is probably rooted in the fact that most of us experience winter much differently than Olympians do. This is why I’m proposing a whole new set of events solely based on activities normal citizens regularly endure during the chillier months of the year. These are sports the every-man can get into.

  • 25 Yard Driveway Shovel

    Watch as 6 slightly overweight middle-aged men take to their shovel of choice and clear a path wide enough for a Toyota 4Runner, a recycling container, and a 45 gallon garbage can. Extra points are added for each minor coronary event after which the shoveler stubbornly decides to finish.

  • Snow Delay Drive-athon

    Each participant must drive a recently purchased car scratch-free through a phalanx of high school students in Buick LeSabres with bald tires, each of whom is racing to get to class on time after a two-hour snow delay.

  • The Snowsuit Shuffle

    Olympians in each heat race to dress a 3-year-old in a pair of long underwear, a shirt, corduroy pants, socks, snow pants, a winter jacket, mittens, astronaut boots, and a hat. They must then drag them to a minivan and try to stuff and buckle them into a, now seemingly smaller, car seat. Wild cards present themselves when toddlers may choose to go to the bathroom at any point during the heat, in which case participants must reverse the process then start again.

  • Supermarket Struggle

    Any time during the Olympiad when the forecast calls for over 4 inches of snow, all athletes must immediately rush to a local supermarket and buy as many batteries, milk, and bread as they can carry out of the store on their person. Medals will be awarded in number of items purchased, parking lot etiquette, and checkout clerk abuse.

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Many people have tried to accurately capture the essence that is Brian, but this much is known to be true: he has dutifully paid the hosting bill for Ranzino.com since 2001.

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