It’s a sad day for Hollywood. Tinseltown has long been a bastion for liberal wackos such as Sean Penn and Donald Duck (Refuses to marry Daisy, thereby denying a traditional and stable home life to his obviously deviant nephews. And for God sakes man, put on some pants!)

AquamarineThe snooty denizens of La La Land continue to push their anti-administration policies down our throats under the thinly-veiled guise of “entertainment.” But now, they’ve gone too far.Cinema’s latest transgression against American morality, Elizabeth Allen’s Aquamarine, hits movieplexes this weekend.

You may think Aquamarine is a harmless and charming coming of age story about two pre-teen girls who find a mermaid in their swimming pool. Unfortunately, for 13-year-old movie-goers everywhere, there’s something much more sinister at work here.This movie is defiant reactionary propaganda clearly aimed at derailing the President’s initiative to ban animal-human hybrids as outlined in his State of the Union address. Why else would another round of mermaid cinema be served up to the American public now, if not to instigate another round of the sport du jour, Bush bashing?

Mermaid movies have been under the Hollywood deep freeze since the late 1980’s, and rightly so. After the slew of grotesque human/hybrid romantic pairings in movies such as Splash, The Little Mermaid, and 1990’s Mermaids (which did not feature the titular fish per se, but did showcase an equally unnatural coupling of Cher and Bob Hoskins), there hasn’t been a mermaid movie of note in over 15 years! So why now?

We’re on to your game Hollywood and we’re not going to stand for it. When the pimply-faced usher at the movie theater rips my ticket in half this weekend, I’ll be taking a hard right into the theater showcasing Bruce Willis shooting people in the face. If you’re a tried and true American, you should do the same.

ranzino

Many people have tried to accurately capture the essence that is Brian, but this much is known to be true: he has dutifully paid the hosting bill for Ranzino.com since 2001.

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