Dear Mom Who Runs Into the Pre-School Ahead of Everyone Else the Millisecond After They Open the Doors,

Listen, it’s not like I’ve got a packed schedule or anything today, we’re all busy right? Tell me though, is your desire to be first in line to pick up your child EVERY FREAKIN’ SINGLE DAY important enough to “nudge” me to this side while I’m holding my sleeping 1-year-old? I know you’ve got to get to the daily 4 minute interrogation/debriefing of the your poor son’s teacher, but seriously, dial down the intensity just a smidge, okay? I may look all gentle giant on the outside, but I’m not above laying down some serious pre-k hallway smackdown if need be.

Oh, and the bangs, they’re not working for you. You might want to consider a stylist who cuts women’s hair.


The man wearing the light blue Crocs who has no right to comment on anyone else’s haircut/fashion sense


Many people have tried to accurately capture the essence that is Brian, but this much is known to be true: he has dutifully paid the hosting bill for since 2001.

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