A Dispatch to My Wife Justifying the Purchase and Display of My New Truck Nutz
ranzino September 28, 2021

Dearest Sally,

I have ascertained, based on our interactions over the past few days, that my decision to purchase and attach a pair of truck nutz to my model year 2012 Ford F150 has caused you no undue amount of anguish. Because you seem intent on continuing to engage in needless self-torment (and feel empowered by this series of events to illuminate my many perceived shortcomings on your personal Facebook page) I wanted to provide you with this detailed correspondence in assurance that the acquisition and utilization of the Deezers Brand Novelty Truck Nutz was neither made in haste nor without rigorous self-reflection and forethought. In fact, this item’s procurement was executed with full recognition of its holistic effects on our relationship.

I know you have a lengthy list of objections. And to be thorough in my response, I have enumerated them here while providing ample rebuttal.

Objection Number 1: “I make the truck payments, and I don’t want em’ on there!”

Yes, while it is true that during my recent bout of unemployment you have graciously taken on the monthly recompense to Uncle Lenny’s Used Vehicle Depot (for which I hope you know I am eternally grateful), you should recognize the fleeting impermanence of this arrangement which will not ultimately affect the legitimacy of my title ownership.

While highway animal control work is not currently plentiful in the county, I do feel a turn in the economy is coming (Larry Kudlow seemed unusually upbeat on Fox Business channel today!) and with it a rise in my personal fortunes and the subsequent resumption of monthly restitution.

Objection Number 2: “They’re tacky!”

Honestly. I have, without requisite objection on your part I might add, done the following:

  • Adorned the classic “Calvin Peeing on the Chevy Logo” decal to the rear window.
  • Augmented the undercarriage with neon purple ground lighting. Which, might I remind you, was in fact purchased by you for my 38th birthday at the Higgins Creek Flea Market & Meat Sale.
  • Affixed mudflaps emblazoned with a silhouette of 1930’s pop culture icon Betty Boop next to the text, “Dangerous Curves Ahead.”

You have demonstrated prior encouraging support for such enhancements in the past, and thus have very little ground to stand on for this particular grievance.

Objection Number 3: “We can’t afford to be buying this kind of crap!”

Was it not the great philosopher Aristotle who opined, “Happiness depends upon ourselves.” If one’s happiness is truly at stake, how could one NOT purchase truck nutz at the Route 34 Truck Stop when presented with such a blatantly obvious pleasure mollifying opportunity? Particularly when they are Deezer’s brand who, of course, are known for their uncompromising manufacturing standards! Carpe diem indeed!

As for the material cost, at your request, did I not return the vintage non-functioning Burger Time arcade cabinet I bought from your cousin Kenny? Does that act of self-sacrifice and financial remuneration count for naught?

Objection Number 4: “What will my mother think?”

I don’t think the matriarch whom in Christmases past, gifted me a Big Mouth Billy Bass and a commemorative plate featuring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (Showcasing his groundbreaking role as Roadblock in the feature film G.I. Joe Retaliation) will give not a passing thought to a pair of resin-filled testicles adorning my motor vehicle.

Objection Number 5: “Why? Just Why?”

To put it simply, this embellishment to my F150 just makes me smile. I like to think this unassuming addition personifies my truck not unlike the characters in that children’s movie we used to watch with our nephews. Nothing elicits an immense tooth-filled grin on my visage quite like imagining an enormous couplet of “clankers” pendulously suspended off the animated chassis of Mater, Chick Hicks, and Lightning McQueen.

So my lovely Sally, as you can clearly deduce from my clear-cut clarifications, the purchase and display of my novelty truck nutz is not a cause for disdain and discord, but rather a celebration of freedom from societal expectations and norms.

With these thoughts in mind, I hope we can both now see a pathway forward in allowing me to once again sleep inside our home and to discontinue my exile to the screened-in porch.

With deepest affection,

Your husband, Buckley

ranzino

Many people have tried to accurately capture the essence that is Brian, but this much is known to be true: he has dutifully paid the hosting bill for Ranzino.com since 2001.

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