To: (Friendsgiving Group)
Re: THXgiving Addition: Man in the Yellow Hat, Yay or Nay?
Look, I think we need to have an honest conversation about how allowing the Man in the Yellow Hat to attend our annual Friendsgiving celebration could be uniquely disruptive to our plans next Thursday.
Listen, we all like the guy. I mean, he always comes off affable enough in a non-de-script kind of way, but does he have to bring his pet primate with him everywhere? Some gatherings are just not monkey-appropriate. I mean, he doesn’t even ask if it’s okay. He just shows up with him. And Jesus, that monkey. That tail-less piece of work has quite the history.
Based on numerous well-documented incidents at every, single, major, holiday, and event in town, we can only assume that similar hi-jinks will occur at our upcoming Thanksgiving gathering. Let me be clear, I’m not here to simian-shame. We all know the blame for these “episodes” can be attributed to the trusting nature and (let’s be perfectly frank here) utter negligence of his canary-clad owner.
Some of you have tried to try to assure me that this time he’s promised he won’t leave the monkey unattended. But I guarantee you that within seconds after they show up, the Man in the Yellow Hat will make up an excuse to, “go check on Professor Wiseman,” or see “what that local paperboy’s up to,” leaving the monkey without the strict supervision he clearly needs.
Sure, there could be positives to their attendance. Again, based on his history, even though we can expect significant property damage and potentially introduce a serious threat to the completion of our annual Thanksgiving Day jigsaw puzzle, it probably wouldn’t be a complete loss. Through sheer coincidence and dumb luck, we might learn a few important life lessons (and perhaps some basic math) along the way.
Knowing this group, we’ll probably just end up forgiving the little scamp for whatever un-chaperoned mischief he causes, only further empowering his clueless handler to unjustly reward his furry ward with some apple cider, a trip to the ice cream parlor, or some other undeserved recompense for all the bullshit he was responsible for in the first place.
So, I’m sorry to say, my vote is an emphatic no.
P.S. Clarice, if I come out on the losing end of this vote, could you subtly let the MITYH know he shouldn’t add Professor Wiseman as his plus one. He seems to be the last person on earth that doesn’t know she’s just not into him.
