September 13, 2020
Absorbency to the Max premium
Suggested taglines for Kirkland Signature’s toilet paper with new wider sheets: 5. Go on, have that second burrito 4. Rainforests schmainforests! 3. Hiding your silent bathroom crying has never been easier! 2. America 2020 Collector’s Edition1. I mean c’mon… just look at yourself
All the Chat That’s Fit to Moderately Disagree premium
“Uhhhh…. I think I’ll select option C?”
January 30, 2020
Optimism Renewed premium
Middle East peace, sneezing with your eyes open, the return of the VHS tape as a viable media format. Literally anything is possible. Someone has financed and produced a stage production of the Golden Girls featuring only puppets. Never, ever, let your dreams die.
You are a sign maker premium
You nailed “surveillance” but just couldn’t stick the landing.
January 4, 2019
The Future is Now premium
Fans of the luxuriously depressing obesity-chic lifestyle as depicted in the Pixar classic Wall*E rejoice! Your dream reality is at hand. You know Wall*E, it’s the Pixar movie your kids least want to re-watch. No, not Ratatouille, the other one. No, not the Lion King remake with dinosaurs on peyote.  The one with robots and […]
May 19, 2016
You Won’t Believe What Happened Next… premium
Least effective piece of clickbait I've ever seen.
November 28, 2010
The Burden of Being Aquaman premium
It's a big ocean. You can't be everywhere at once.
Anthropomorphic Identity Crisis premium
Child malapropisms. They're one of the few true joys of parenthood. 
September 21, 2010
10 Sure Fire Steps to Having a GREAT Morning premium
Leave the house with all of your children. Enjoy the pleasant daily ritual of exchanging friendly waves with the kind, elderly crossing guard lady. Drop off eldest child without his book bag or lunch. Return to your house to retrieve forgotten lunches and book bags. Reciprocate waves from the overly-eager aging crossing guard woman with […]
April 18, 2010
10 Rumored Features of the New iPhone 4G premium
In light of Gizmodo’s recent acquisition of a top-secret pre-production version of the iPhone 4G, speculation has begun on exactly what new features this life-altering device may offer.   Luckily, Ranzino.com has been able to confirm just a few of the many mind-blowing enhancements Apple has in store for us. Can shoot arcing bolts of […]