Parenting Tip #3

A toy is NEVER out of batteries. It is always ALWAYS broken… as far as they know.

All parents know that getting a split second of peace and quiet is harder than trying to explain the appeal of The Hills to anyone over the age of 40. Knowing this, and subsequently wanting to punish us for similar transgressions from when they were raising us, grandparents find every opportunity they can to buy toys that endlessly emit songs, sirens, farting noises, etc. so forth and so on.

When these soulless playthings finally succumb to the great Duracell recycling center in the sky, never never never put in fresh batteries. Just claim you have and then launch into a discussion about trade imbalance, unions, price points and quality workmanship until your 4-year-old finds something better/noisier to play with. Repeat as often as necessary.

Under no circumstances should you teach your child how to change batteries himself. Not because of the safety hazards, but mostly due to the fact they could reveal your ongoing ruse, and, quite frankly, it’s information they just don’t need.