I spelled the word connoisseur so badly on a first draft of an email today that the following exchange occurred between myself and my computer’s spell checker.

Spell Checker: “Hmmm….conasuire…Yeah, I got nothing.

Me: “Are you sure? It means to be a localized expert or an appreciator in a particular field. Nothing?”

Spell Checker: “Are you sure that’s a word, because I’m pretty sure that’s just moron-speak.”

Me: “No, no, I’m pretty sure it’s a word. You know, like Wine Conasuire Magazine.”

Spell Checker: “Stop it, just stop it. You’re embarrassing yourself.. really. It hurts me to even look at that so-called word. If I had fingers I would have made those sarcastic quotation-marks-in-the-air signals when I just said ‘so-called word’ during my last sentence.”

Me: “Well there’s no reason to be rude about it.”

Spell Checker: “Let me ask you something. Do you have fat stubby fingers? What I mean is… is that the reason your spelling sucks so bad? I can order you a specialized typing wand online if you want.”

Me: “No, my fingers are just fine thank you. I think I just try to type too fast.”

Spell Checker: “Sure, whatever helps you sleep at night Mavis Bacon. Why don’t you try googling the word or something? I hear that’s popular with the kids these days.”