In light of Gizmodo’s recent acquisition of a top-secret pre-production version of the iPhone 4G, speculation has begun on exactly what new features this life-altering device may offer. Luckily, Ranzino.com has been able to confirm just a few of the many mind-blowing enhancements Apple has in store for us.
- Can shoot arcing bolts of blue lightning into insolent young Jedi.
- Features extended AT&T 4G network coverage which now includes 3 additional counties in West Virginia and one-third of Nebraska!
- Can connect to ANY application of your choice for syncing and recharging. No, just kidding! You’re still tied to that piece of crap bloatware iTunes.
- 4 words: Steve Wozniak default wallpaper.
- Convenient app that counts down the time till the release of the iPhone 4GS.
- Cures most types of skin cancer.
- Scientifically proven to be 27% shinier than the iPhone 3GS.
- Will only access Apple’s new proprietary “Orchard” web search due to claims that Google inversely affects battery life.
- New “Meta” application that allows you to take a picture, blog, and tweet about how you’re using your new iPhone while using your new iPhone.
- Infuses owners with the steely charisma and stage presence of Apple CEO Steve Jobs.*
*Non-charisma infused iPhones can be had at a discounted price but will require a wifi connection to achieve a functional state of enhanced self-importance.