In light of Gizmodo’s recent acquisition of a top-secret pre-production version of the iPhone 4G, speculation has begun on exactly what new features this life-altering device may offer.   Luckily, has been able to confirm just a few of the many mind-blowing enhancements Apple has in store for us.

  1. Can shoot arcing bolts of blue lightning into insolent young Jedi.
  2. Features extended AT&T 4G network coverage which now includes 3 additional counties in West Virginia and one-third of Nebraska!
  3. Can connect to ANY application of your choice for syncing and recharging.  No, just kidding! You’re still tied to that piece of crap bloatware iTunes.
  4. 4 words: Steve Wozniak default wallpaper.
  5. Convenient app that counts down the time till the release of the iPhone 4GS.
  6. Cures most types of skin cancer.
  7. Scientifically proven to be 27% shinier than the iPhone 3GS.
  8. Will only access Apple’s new proprietary “Orchard” web search due to claims that Google inversely affects battery life.
  9. New “Meta” application that allows you to take a picture, blog, and tweet about how you’re using your new iPhone while using your new iPhone.
  10. Infuses owners with the steely charisma and stage presence of Apple CEO Steve Jobs.*

*Non-charisma infused iPhones can be had at a discounted price but will require a wifi connection to achieve a functional state of enhanced self-importance.