1. Leave the house with all of your children.
  2. Enjoy the pleasant daily ritual of exchanging friendly waves with the kind, elderly crossing guard lady.
  3. Drop off eldest child without his book bag or lunch.
  4. Return to your house to retrieve forgotten lunches and book bags.
  5. Reciprocate waves from the overly-eager aging crossing guard woman with a small courtesy hand gesture without taking your hands off the wheel.
  6. Park car in school lot and realize you retrieved the lunches but forgot the book bag.
  7. Return to your house to retrieve book bag.
  8. Give no acknowledgment to the pretentious waving of that grizzled old safety hag.  You’re only encouraging her.
  9. Park in school lot and hustle inside with your 4-year-old in tow to drop off  lunch and book bag.  Withstand the condescending looks of the school secretary who can’t figure out how you didn’t notice your child was missing THE ONLY TWO THINGS HE NEEDS every day given the fact that these items collectively weigh more than he does.
  10. Explain to local law enforcement why an area widow who volunteers her time to help children cross the street did not make her shift at the nursing home cafeteria this morning and why it has nothing to do with the fresh dent in your hood.