TO: (Future Projects Development Team)
RE: Hey dummies, old toys = $$$$$
Just heard the news that Apple is releasing a Matchbox-themed movie starring John Cena and Jessica Biehl. With 40-year-old pop culture garbage like Transformers, G.I. Joe, and Masters of the Universe reaching their cinematic saturation points, it may be time to move on to our other “nostalgia-based” IP. It’s probably in all of our best interests if we maximize the returns on our existing 80’s rights portfolio before Gen X realizes how much college costs these days.
I dug into our holdings and brainstormed some utilization ideas. Read these over and get me full treatments on at least three of these by next week with a slated summer 2027 theatrical release in mind. Streaming would be our secondary distribution option, but if we go that route we would move the release date up to “Holidays 2026” because, well, quality doesn’t really matter as much then and Q4 is looking grim.
Speak & Spell
Elevator Pitch:
Heartfelt weeper about a grumpy retiree who becomes a teacher’s aide in an elementary school to make ends meet. He quickly realizes that screen time has utterly decimated almost every kid’s ability to read. His unusual implementation of a now ancient piece of technology in the classroom leads his rag tag wards all the way to the Scripps National Spelling Bee (Note: possible tension point in third act prior to bee: frantic search for D batteries!)
Casting Suggestion:
Paul Giamatti
View-Master
Elevator Pitch: An old child’s toy allows the protagonist to see the world “as it really is” when he peers through its binocular view and pulls down the lever. Now he must decide if he wants to use its magical power to follow his dream of becoming a crime scene investigator or use it to find true love. (Note: Maybe the first procedural rom-com? Netflix maybe?)
Casting Suggestion:
Finn Wolfhard, Olivia Rodrigo
Rubik’s Cube
Elevator Pitch: A mysterious man lures a group of teens into an abandoned toy factory where he forces them to solve a series of color and math-related puzzles to stave off increasingly grisly deaths.(Note: talk to lawyers about copyright re: Saw series)
Casting Suggestion:
Puzzle Master: Budget approved – Tom Hiddleston Unapproved – Johnny Galecki
Teddy Ruxpin
Elevator Pitch: Think Paddington meets M3GAN.
Casting Suggestion: (Voice) Christ Pratt
Cabbage Patch Dolls
Elevator Pitch: A successful businesswoman finds her carefully manicured life turned upside down when old friends from her childhood “orphanage” start to re-appear and awaken latent “green thumb” abilities. Her newfound powers threaten both her impending promotion and her upcoming nuptials.
Casting Suggestion: Jennifer Lawrence, Michale Caine (retired?) as the Patch Tender
Lite-Brite
Elevator Pitch: Fantasia for 2027. Framing device for each animation involves a cute vignette of a live action kid creating images on the Lite-Brite that are thematically tied to the impending short.
Casting Suggestion: (How old are Christ Pratt’s kids?)
Simon
Elevator Pitch: An adult man on the spectrum sees complex patterns of lights and colors and accidentally gets drawn into the world of international espionage where his quirky yet singular skill set becomes uniquely valuable.
Casting Suggestion: Timothy Chalomet
Rainbow Brite
Elevator Pitch: (Note: Put a hold on this property until at least 2028. Retain rights through a limited run, direct to streaming cartoon series. Tubi?)
Strawberry Shortcake
Elevator Pitch: A surreal allegory for capitalism and modern class structure set in an alternate universe (Note: think Barbie-Land.) Themes: Your standing in society is judged by the quality of your “pies.” and the Purple Pie Man is a stand-in for the ultra-wealthy ruling class.
Casting Suggestion: Emma Stone (or Sadie Sink, if we can’t pin down Lanthimos)
Koosh Balls
Elevator Pitch: This one just writes itself.
Casting Suggestion: Christ Pratt
