Hey Microsoft Outlook, what’s going on… how are the kids? What is little Outlook Express up to these days?

Listen, you don’t like me and I don’t like you, but since we’re stuck with one another here at work, I thought it best we talk this out so we can work through our issues in the most civilized way possible. So let’s dispense with all the formalities of setting up those fancy rules and filters you seem to like so much. Why don’t we just “talk” about what kind of emails I don’t want to see in my Inbox on a regular basis. Sound good?

Okay for starters, this year I started receiving a bunch of emails written in what appears to be Russian. I spent my entire childhood being indoctrinated into believing Rooskies are evil people who would rather stand in line for 6 hours to buy a roll of toilet paper than shake hands with a capitalist like me. The destruction of the Berlin wall and Yakov Smirnoff‘s career aside, I’m still a little leery, so no emails from Moscow okay?

I am thirty years old. Let’s just say all of my necessary equipment is working just fine. So anything that mentions Cialis, Levitra, or Viagra can go right into the old recycle bin if you don’t mind. If I start to have problems, I promise, you’ll be the first to know.

As enticing as 2.5 million dollars transferred into the bank account of my choice sounds, my dealings in the past with exiled Assistant Foreign Banking liaisons of West-African nations have left me a little non plussed. So if you get an email from a country whose major political parties can best be described literally as “warring tribal factions,” I’m probably going to pass on those particular business deals.

I’m sure the college-aged girls who would like me to:

  • View their webcam…
  • Find sexy single like themselves in my area…
  • Do things to (with) them I really can’t describe here…

…are very nice, decent, upstanding, young women but I’m married, so I’m just not interested.

I have a mortgage already, and no I don’t want to re-finance. No amount of blinking text and smiling, ethnically diverse, stock photography will change my mind. Enough said.

I’m sure the online University of Weehawken is a fine accredited institution of higher learning with many successful alumni, but I’ll forge on with the education I already have. On that same note, I like where I work. I do not need to earn any extra “$$$” by working at home, as some emails eloquently suggest that I do. If I ever need any extra “$$$,” I’ll look around for some canvas bags with those dollar signs printed on the side. They seem to be quite prevalent in cartoons and feature films, so I should be able to find them rather quickly.

Last but not least, please delete all incoming messages that contain the phrase “just forward this to X number of friends.” I don’t care what comes after that phrase, whether it be “and receive your free popcorn chicken platter at Applebees,” or “and a coupon for a $50 shopping spree at the GAP will appear on your screen.” As much as I could use some new relaxed fit flat front khakis with patented stain protection, past experience and common sense tells me it just isn’t happening.

So Outlook, those are just a few of the types of messages I don’t want. I know you’re still hurting because I switched to Thunderbird at my home office but you’re going to have to get past that and make the best of the situation we have going on here.

I’m glad we had this talk.