After finally admitting he bet on baseball in his 2004 biography, Pete Rose has now further clarified that he also bet on the Cincinnati Reds while he was the team’s manager. He assures us, he only bet on the Big Red Machine to win, never to lose.

Does anyone even care anymore? Why are we still giving this guy a public forum? It’s obvious he just needs publicity to hawk his various wares at this point.

To save you all the chicanery of future Pete Rose news, I’ve obtained the Major League Baseball all-time hit leader’s marketing plan for his upcoming conveniently-timed revelations.

  • He and Tommy Lasorda had a secret love affair that spanned over two decades.
  • Joe Morgan… really not all that nice.
  • He once killed a stripper in Montreal during a 4 game road trip against the Expos.
  • Pete Rose, Jr. was really really talented, but “the man” kept him down.
  • He and O.J. are forming a Steely Dan cover band called ‘We Did It,’ and will be touring the country this summer.
  • His awful haircuts through the decades have been medically necessary to cosmetically cover up a tiny conjoined twin on his skull named ‘Good Petey’ who, on a technicality, is still eligible for election to the Baseball Hall of Fame.