It Was a Quack Job

Parenting Tip #3

A toy is NEVER out of batteries. It is always ALWAYS broken… as far as they know.

All parents know that getting a split second of peace and quiet is harder than trying to explain the appeal of The Hills to anyone over the age of 40. Knowing this, and subsequently wanting to punish us for similar transgressions from when they were raising us, grandparents find every opportunity to buy toys that endlessly emit music, sirens, farting noises, so forth and so on.

When these soulless playthings finally succumb to the great Duracell recycling center in the sky, resist the temptation to extend your child’s joy by replacing the batteries. Just claim you tried and then launch into a discussion about trade imbalance, unions, price points and quality workmanship until your 4-year-old finds something better/noisier to play with. Repeat as often as necessary.

Under no circumstances should you teach your child how to change batteries himself. Not because of the safety hazards, but mostly due to the fact that could potentially reveal your ongoing ruse.