With Halloween coming up next month, you may soon be venturing out to your local mega-duper-costco-plex to buy a skiff or two of trick-or-treat giveaways. In our increasingly health conscious and pc environment, I thought I would take a minute to remind you that Halloween is supposed to be fun for children.

Unfortunately, it is a sad fact of life that there is a direct correlation to how fun something is to how bad that something is for you. Just ask any tequila enthusiast. I think it’s time as parents we all stopped worrying about these trivial things (health, obesity, razor blades in popcorn balls). Instead, let’s get started on forming bowling leagues and card clubs so we can find new excuses to put the kids to bed early and dedicate quality time to becoming friends with more people who can truly appreciate Mr. Jose Cuervo.

Keeping this theory of “fun for the kids” in mind, I’ve put together a little buying guide of the top five crappiest snacks you could possibly give away on All Hollows Eve. This way, you have no excuse as to why you’re off-loading your healthy goodies on me… er…. my kids.

5. Mini Pretzel Bags
Make no mistake, I will be feeding these to my dog.

4. An Apple
Will most likely be thrown at my neighbor’s cat when it won’t stop serenading me at 3 in the morning.

3. Necco Wafers
I know I’m going to get some dissent here, but you’re honestly telling me you voluntarily eat something that tastes like sidewalk chalk?

2. Bubbles
6th grade. Bubbles container burst in full candy bag. Halloween ruined. Can’t talk about it anymore… too painful.

1. Pennies
What part of trick-or-treat didn’t you understand?