Cruel namings of celebrity children must be stopped! Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest crime against the infantile set is just the latest in a string of unfortunate, and potentially scarring, celebrity child monikers.

Celebrities are too insulated by their well-wishers and handlers. They alone cannot be blamed for inflicting a name on an unsuspecting child that, while cute when frolicking in his or her Pampers on the beaches of the Riviera, will surely induce a massive melvin on the playgrounds of Beverly Hills Middle School.

All this being said, I propose a strict set of mandates to be followed by all celebrities when dubbing their offspring.

No Object Personification
Sorry John Travolta. I know you really, really like planes (We get it already), but naming your son Jet is unacceptable. He may turn out to be a car guy, and then what? Does naming your child something normal negatively affect your Thetan level?

No Nature Names
Sure, Tree sound great now, but how does it look on the police docket after a night out at the Viper Club?

No Really Really Old Names
I know you loved your great Aunts Gertrude and Bernice and they hold a special place in your heart, but do not burden your children with names that could be realistically used in a F. Scott Fitzgerald novel.

Avoid Names With the Gratuitous (Or Superfluous) Use of the Letters X,Z or Q
I know we all want our tots to be unique in their own special way, but trying to spell out little Jethreux’s birthday card can get complicated.

With just a little bit of effort on all our parts, I think we can live in a wedgie-free world. Please think of the children.