America. I know it’s January. I realize that this is the traditional time for movie studios to dump ill-conceived, horribly-executed vanity projects on an unsuspecting public.
I am well aware that the pickings are slim.
Despite all of this, I am embarrassed for you, the American movie-going public. You chose to elevate Big Mama’s House 2 to the second-largest January opening ever with your hard-earned dollars (Or if you are a registered lobbyist perhaps you may be more familiar with the term “suckah’ payola.”)
To help you prevent further lapses in judgment should there be a Big Mama’s House 3 (and with your resounding financial “thumbs up,” why shouldn’t there be?) I’ve prepared a list of activities you could….. nay should participate in instead of taking in the latest Martin Lawrence fat-suit flick.
- If you really feel the need to laugh at a fat person, just listen to Rush Limbaugh.
- Take a day trip to visit beautiful Scranton, PA. The real-life location of the fictional Dunder-Mifflin Paper company depicted on the American version of The Office. Scranton- It’s Coal-tastic!
- Finally give in and let little Johnny eat those Corn Flakes. Just like you always promised you would.
- Give your actual Grandma some bunion relief. It’s foot rub time!
- Inhale oxygen slowly. Exhale carbon dioxide. Repeat several thousand times.
- Did somebody say Sodoku? Oh wait… you didn’t… sorry about that.
- Stop the madness and get the David Lee Roth and Eddie Van Halen to kiss and make up already.
- Picket against Brokeback Mountain at your local cineplex. Not because of its honest depiction of romance, but because it’s succeeding in legitimizing the acting career of a principle cast member of Dawson’s Creek.
- Mourn the twin loss of the UPN and WB. Ironically of course.
- Perform dramatic readings of selected Martin episodes featuring Sheneneh.