I got a great piece of SPAM in my Inbox today.

That’s right, now for only $39.95, that’s right m’am you heard me correctly that’s less than I paid for my cable bill this month, you can finally decipher the cryptic language stylings of your common household canine.

The inventors behind the Bow-Lingual translator are probably more apt to be mathematicians than veterinarians, because they know the odds of getting a correct translation are in their favor. Judging from experience with my family pet, the doggy decipherer has a 1 in 4 chance at any moment of correctly predicting your poochie’s most pressing desires.

Honestly, if you think that dogs have thoughts more complex than can be covered by the following four statements, you probably already watch more Animal Planet than is reasonably healthy and don’t need a translator anyway because of that “special bond” you and your dog share (You know what I’m talking about. That special connection that makes you feel it’s okay for you to take your dog to get its picture taken with Santa at the mall. It’s not okay, trust me.)

  1. Kind sir, may I partake in that bowl of nachos you’re eating?
  2. If you like the color of the carpeting in the living room as is, now would be a good time for a walk.
  3. Are we going for a ride in the car? Are we going for a ride IN…THE…CAR? WE ARE, AREN’T WE? OH MY GOD, THANK YOU JESUS!
  4. Listen, uh… that thing with your leg last night… I was going to call you afterwards, but… you know how it is.

Notice they don’t sell a cat translator. I’m sure they built a prototype, but the researchers probably got tired of checking the translator only to see this message staring back at them from the tiny led screen, “What do you think you’re looking at dumbass?”