In case you missed it, January 23 was National Pie Day as declared by the American Pie Council. The APC describes itself as an organization, “committed to preserving America’s pie heritage and promoting American’s love affair with pies.”

The APC mission statement goes on to describe their goal to,“raise awareness, enjoyment and consumption of pies.”

I for one, didn’t know the continued existence of pies was in such serious jeopardy. I just assumed by all the fat people I see walking around on a daily basis that pie-eating is alive and well.

In light of this disturbing turn of events, I propose a four-pronged attack towards ending pie-endangerment (besides the previously mentioned thoughtful creation of a national observance day.)

  1. McDonald’s should immediately revive the grand tradition of up-selling their signature pies at all retail locations (e.g. “Would you like a hot apple pie with that, sir?”)
  2. A marketing campaign will be undertaken to combat the proliferation of the derogatory phrase “Shut your pie-hole.” (Editor’s note: I’m thinking something along the lines of NBC’s “The More You Know” campaign, only with celebrities less annoying than the stars of Will & Grace.)
  3. All copies of the movie Stand By Me shall be edited to exclude the infamous pie-eating contest sequence.
  4. Like Aaron Cppeland’s Hoedown in the American Beef Producers’ “It’s What For Dinner” campaigns, produce a commercial spot with a signature musical score. May I humbly suggest the 80’s hair metal classic Cherry Pie by Warrant.

If we take these small steps now, we can prevent the pie from disappearing from our national landscape and sharing the same fate as the American buffalo, Tab soda, and Gabe Kaplan.