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Bashing Stereotypes, originally uploaded by ranzino.

In Lancaster County, cops don’t eat donuts… they eat pretzels… made by the Amish… who are under around the clock protection from Harrison Ford until the real killers are caught.

Triple-Bypass Burger, originally uploaded by ranzino.

Inside a 5 Guys Product Development Meeting

Executive #1: Our CEO has tasked us with expanding our product line as to appeal to the “dangerous glutton” demo. What do we have for ideas?

Executive #2: Well… people really do love our burgers…

Executive #1: I’ve got it! Let’s just pile another pattie on top of our existing burger and charge people an obscene amount of money for what is ostensibly the most unhealthy amount of ground beef a human should eat in one sitting!

Executive #2: Brilliant! I’ll write it up, then let’s hit Saladworks!

(Ed. Note: Yeah, they’re pretty tasty. Damn it all to hell.)

Among all the book series my son likes to have read to him, he tends to gravitate time and time again to the Berenstain Bears. For those of you unfamiliar with the stories, they catalog the lives of the Bear Family who inhabit a tree house down a sunny dirt lane deep in bear country, a fully-ursine society.

Because my son loves them so much, I’m willing to overlook some basic Berenstain-related mythology that makes absolutely no sense. For instance, the Bear Family is literally named Papa, Mama, Sister and Brother. These aren’t cute non-descript names they call themselves in family-only situations, this is really what the entire town refers to them by. Other townspeople have pithy names such as Lizzy Bruin and Miss Honeybear and they don’t bat an eyelash while referring to someone as Sister even though she’s not a nun.

Another plot point that defies conventional wisdom is the ability of Papa Bear to support the family by making homemade rough-finished furniture while Mama gets to be a full time stay-at-home bear. Apparently the Bear Country currency is in firmer standing these days than the American Dollar.

Minor quibbles aside the stories are generally straight-forward and generally break down into a couple different categories:

Brother and Sister Bear overcome some sort of fear of going someplace new
The Berenstain Bears Go to the Dentist
The Berenstain Bears Go to Summer Camp

The Bear Family learns the value of moderation
The Berenstain Bears and Too Much Birthday
The Berenstain Bears Too Much Pressure

Brother and Sister (and sometimes even Papa) learn a new social skill
The Berenstain Bears and the Green Eyed Monster
The Berenstain Bears and the Blame Game

With an eye towards making the series a little more relevant to the modern day parent and pre-school child alike, I’m going to pass along the following title suggestions to Random House for the Berenstain series:

• The Berenstain Bears and Inappropriate Public Nudity
• The Berenstain Bears and Too Much Primaries
• The Berenstain Bears Go on Behavioral Meds
• The Berenstain Bears and Queenie McBear’s Two Moms
• The Berenstain Bears Try to Destigmatize American Public Transportation
• The Berenstain Bears and Sister’s Secret Shame
• The Berenstain Bears and Too Much F****ing Webkinz

If 10 years ago, you would have suggested to me a movie directed by the fat guy from Swingers starring Robert Downey Jr. posing as a second-tier Marvel Comics character would beat the pants of a Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, Harrison Ford collaboration, I probably would have called you a damn dirty liar.

If you also would have told me that the movie in question would also be an Indiana Jones movie, I probably would have stopped talking to you. Not right then and there of course, but little by little we would hang out less and less until you realized that I found your presence in my life as unnecessary as the token men sitting in an Oprah studio audience.

Passive aggressive, that’s the way I roll.

This is how far we’ve come. Two men (I’m giving Harrison a pass here) I trusted implicitly with my entertainment dollar two decades ago, now cannot produce something that is in the league to sniff the sweaty Ultimate Fighting Championship t-shirt of a director whose major film helming credits include a Will Ferrell movie and a sequel to Jumanji.

Advertising Genius, originally uploaded by ranzino.

The good news is when you deep fry them, they taste just like Burger King’s chicken fries.

The Flags, originally uploaded by ranzino.

Happy Memorial Day everyone.

Basic Game Play
In a turn-based game, players draw colored cards to determine how many spaces their Gingerbread men will move along the path to “Home Sweet Home”, along the way avoiding obstacles named for confections that were popular no less than 50 years ago.

Why Your Kids Love It
“Hey, I know colors! I know how to count to two! I CAN PLAY THIS GAME! It has been decided then, let us do nothing else before dinner for the next three months!”

Why You Hate It
Special candy cards (to which you have to return to the corresponding space on the board when drawn) will continually appear at the most disadvantageous time for ALL players, thereby extending the tedious game play to the point where adult participants view the sweet kiss of death as a more desirable option than returning to the Peanut Brittle House one more fricking time.

Cheat-Ability Factor
A solid 9 out of 10. And trust me, you will want to swing this game in ANYONE’S favor at some point. For children under 3 years of age, reshuffling the deck to strategically replace candy cards only requires a standard misdirection ruse. “Did your brother forget to wear pants again? Well, GO LOOK!”

Real Life Fun Equivalent
Wrestling a homeless Vietnam veteran for the quarter you just gave him because you realize you need it for the meter, then doing it again a half hour later because your time’s up and you still don’t have change.

Pickin’ Dandelions, originally uploaded by ranzino.

Happy birthday buddy. Two years can go by so quickly.

Love,
Your Dad

Raw Sugar, originally uploaded by ranzino.

When given the chance as  a kid, I used to eat raw sugar right out of those signature brown packets.

Diabetes, I hardly knew ye.