Current Events

September 21, 2004
Maury’s Main Squeeze premium
The most shocking revelation to come out of the whole Dan Rather-President Bush National Guard documentation scandal: Apparently the CBS network still has a 6 o’clock evening newscast. I thought they scrapped that whole thing after the Connie Chung debacle.
September 6, 2004
Madison Square Garden Must Not Have Mirrors premium
This guy is pretty….uhmmmm….excited about compassionate conservatism.
August 26, 2004
Recreational Boaters for Vague Generalities premium
On the heels of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, it seems another anti-Kerry veterans group has come to the forefront to contradict the Democratic candidate’s version of events during his service in Vietnam. The Sluggish Hovercraft Veterans for Relative Accuracy (SHVRA) group contends that the Swift Boaters did not go far enough in exposing […]
August 4, 2004
Does My Addiction to Dharma & Greg Reruns Qualify? premium
I’ve built up a certain amount of respect for the Finnish Army over the years. They deserve kudos for the Winter War and standing up to Stalin during WWII. But now, all that respect that was hard earned by rugged men in the 1940’s…is instantly gone. “A number of Finnish conscripts have been excused their […]
July 21, 2004
Apparently, Richard Simmons Was Unavailable premium
Dialouge from “Tax Reform Commando” Matrix: Remember, Sully, when I promised to kill your wimpy, socialist, aid program last? Sully: That’s right, Matrix. You did. Matrix: I lied. (Succinctly drops Sully off a cliff) Critics of California’s Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, are labeling him sexist and homophobic after he referred to Democrats who oppose his tough state budget […]
July 21, 2004
Sucks to be a Sophomore premium
As if we all needed another reason to hate Duke. All incoming freshman at Duke University will receive an iPod “to encourage creative uses of technology in their class work.” All I got as a freshman was a crappy Daytimer organizer with the month of February missing.
July 16, 2004
A Swatch of Fresh Chicory Adds a Decorative Touch to Your Shiv premium
It looks like I’ll be putting up Martha Stewart for a few months. Okay, not just me, but me and the rest of Connecticut’s 3.5 million tax-payers who contribute to the operation of the Danbury Federal Correctional Institution. My Aunt Sandy religiously watched Martha Stewart’s television show at its apex during the mid-90’s. At the […]
July 15, 2004
Wounded Duck premium
There’s a picture in the latest issue of Newsweek showing John Kerry playfully tossing a football to John Edwards. Awwww, that’s so cute. They’re like totally B.F.F.* now! How much do you want to wager that neither of them can throw a decent spiral? Then there’s Jack Kemp. Now there was a politician who could […]
July 13, 2004
From Right to Left premium
“Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch’s War on Journalism,” a new film documentary, aims to prove that Fox News Channel shows a distinct favorable bias towards the Republican agenda. Documentary filmmaker Robert Greenwald has delved into similarly perplexing topics with his previous films, “The Pope: Just How Catholic is He?” and “Bears: Do They Defecate in the Woods?” […]
July 9, 2004
Backhanded Condiments premium
In one of the most devestating blows to non-partisan politics in the last few minutes, a group of Republican investors has started selling ‘W’ brand Catsup (or is it Ketchup?) to counter Heinz Ketchup’s supposed left-leaning ways. It seems that the distaste for soon-to-be Democratic Presidential nominee John Kerry and his wife, condiment heiress Theresa […]